Saturday, October 4, 2008

This was a rare moment with Jack. Life has been quite difficult for him for the past 2 months as well as for us. I hope to see more glimmers like this one. Right now it is a very lonely spot to be in having a baby with reflux. A lot of the time he cries...or most of the time he cries. I am unable to shower or do the things that I used to do on a daily basis. Most of the time he needs to be held. I feel like people just don't understand. It is not as simple as people make it out to be. The lack of understanding just puts you as the caregiver deeper in depression. I try not to feel sorry for myself or cry about it as I know this time is supposed to be a joyful one. I was on cloud nine during my pregnancy only to have all this come about. It is a serious shock to both my husband and I. My other children don't get the attention they need or deserve. My relationship is suffering tremendously. We are struggling financially because I had to go part time to care for the baby and even then it seems like I should not be working at all because I cannot get him to sleep until midnight most nights and then I am up to work for 4:30. Most days I can handle things because I have Bill home, but on the days he works two jobs it is pure hell. Soon he will be working four days with both jobs and I will be alone. I try to draw on my faith, but even my relationship with God which was so meaningful during my whole pregnancy is suffering because there is no room for anything in my weary head. I wonder when this will get better. I hope soon, because I really don't know how much more I can take. I believe this is honestly the hardest thing I have been through in my entire life and I have had some hard things happen, but somehow this takes the cake. I hope we will end up okay in the end.
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